Opening up about closure

I need closure.

In pretty much everything I do, I am not finished with it until I have closure.

If I don't get that closure, then for whatever it is, I can't stop thinking about it. I think about it almost constantly, until either I get the closure I need, or enough time passes. But it would have to be A LOT of time. There are things that happened maybe a couple of years ago that I never got the closure for, and while they don't nag my every thought, they do frequent my thoughts more than one might assume.

It's quite annoying actually. It makes me feel obsessive, or possessive (and if I had another word that both rhymed and fit the situation, I am sure that it would make me feel that too). Really though it's just a feeling of incompleteness. Like when you wake up in the middle of a very vivid dream, and want to finish it. But all too soon you find your grasp on the details of the dream slipping, and it becomes lost in the recesses of your mind. Whenever that happens to me, I find myself daydreaming all day long. Trying to weave possible endings to the unfinished dream in my mind. I get very zoned-out and distracted for the entirety of the day, which is, by the way, a big freaking problem.

My behavior in the dream situation above, may help account for my behavior in situations lacking closure. In my spare moments during the day I find myself imagining conversations, or unlikely encounters with long-out-of-touch acquaintances, and the words or actions that would make everything finished. Much of the time, I feel I need to prove myself to offender/offended. Show them how I've changed, or how I haven't; Show them what they missed, or what they are missing. To make things better, or even in some situations, make things worse to an end.

I may be insane. I probably am insane. Okay, yes, I know I am insane. But this is how I feel.

On some level I feel that I never really lost my imagination the way many do as they grow up. I believe I may have uncovered some sort of explanation-like excuse for it too. There are millions and millions of creative souls out there. Musicians, artists, dancers, scientists, inventors, writers, and even (as I have learned though very close familial experience) mathematicians. They all create some kind of something. A kind of something that they contribute to the world at large...or the world at small.

In the name of throwing all modesty out the imaginary window next to me (Yes, there is one. It has pink glass, and green curtains), I am proficient in many of these creative fields. I play instruments, and sing, and write music when i feel so-inspired, and dance, and draw, and paint, and according to the existence of this blog I write too. I even enjoy, and am fairly good at math.........as long as I'm not getting graded on it. I am also aware of the fact that a lot of the time, I just wind up being good at things, out of pure luck and chance. I tried dance, or painting, or guitar, and fell into a good rhythm with it. And I try not to take it for granted. I feel incredibly blessed. But that is not the point I am trying to make.

The point I am trying to make is that I create so many different somethings, that it keeps that many more parts of my imagination alive. I exercise the musical part of my imagination, or the choreographic part of my imagination, or the artistic part of my imagination so much that I just never lost much of my child-like, all-encompassing, to-hell-with-inhibitions imagination at all.

This is the part of the blog where I remember that this post was originally about my great need for closure, and that I should relate both points sometime soon here as to risk less confusion on the part of my readers.

Sorry guys.

I would say "it won't happen again" but, let's be honest, we all know it will.

This imagination that I still miraculously possess is likely the culprit behind the need for closure. I can't just stop thinking about the event, or imagining/hoping for an end to it. Falling-outs with friends? I can't help wondering if That Preppy Chick and I would still be friends had either one of us said something different. Breakups or situations of the like? I can't stop thinking about what a total self-centered douchebag That One Guy was, or of what could have been with That Other Guy.

The facts?

I'm kind of glad That Preppy Chick aren't super close anymore. We talk occasionally, and we're perfectly civil. But we wound up in totally different places in life.

That One Guy really is a totally self-centered douchebag, and I couldn't be more happy that things didn't work out. I didn't realize until way later than I should have that his ego was really a bottomless pit of narcissism, and how everything we talked about, somehow wound up being all about him.

That Other Guy? I think about him everyday. I hope he thinks about me too. I wish I could talk to him, but I am afraid that we would just fall back into the bad pattern we were in before. I wonder if he reads my blog. I wonder if he would know I'm talking about him.

I need closure.