What's the pointe anyways?

So this post is pretty much just to share some thoughts I've kinda always had about ballet.

I started ballet at the ripe-old-age of three. I was always tagging along with my mom when she would take my older sister Madeline to her dance classes. The moment I was old enough for classes myself, I was in them. I started in "creative dance", which was basically ballet, but with props and costumes. So now that I'm eighteen, I've been taking ballet for fifteen years.

When I was in seventh grade I got my first pair of pointe shoes, which was a Seriously Big Deal. Getting them fitted properly, sewing on the ribbons and elastics, and beginning my first few months of excruciatingly painful pointe classes.

This brings me to my main point.

Ballerinas are masochists. 

Plain and simple.

Pain is our body's way of telling us that something is wrong. If you ignore it long enough then the pain might go away, but the problem is probably still there. The first few weeks to months of pointe work is usually quite painful. Lets be honest here. The human body was not designed to have all of your weight put on the tips of your toes. Your feet are, quite frankly, not supposed to do that. And yet, it is respected as a high achievement in the world of ballet to be able to dance proficiently "en pointe". As time goes on pointe work becomes much less painful, but it's still anatomically contradictory. 

There are other reasons that proves why ballerinas are masochists. Like, how we force ourselves to be able to to the splits, or hyper-splits - when you are able to do the splits with your front leg propped up on something, thus ensuring that your splits are more than 180 degrees - in every direction (Yea, no, I'm serious). How we wear ourselves out with rehearsal schedules and crazy classes at 8am, or 9:30pm. However, the title of this post is "What's the pointe anyways", so judging from my obvious word-play, pointe is the main point here (pun completely intended).

When starting pointe, you have to start training an entirely different set of muscles than regular "flat" ballet work requires. And every time you spend an extended amount of time off of pointe - like say, for an injury - you have to retrain those muscles all over again.

I have had to go through this process four freaking times now.

Effing joy.

It is exhausting and discouraging, and every time you begin to retrain for pointe, it is pretty much just as painful as the first time was, until it once again eventually goes away. I could have given up on pointe at any time, especially after my ankle surgery, which has been the most annoying, and most complicated recovery yet. However, I didn't decide to quit doing pointe work. In fact I have gone out of my way to get back to pointe work even though it's taken me close to six months now.

Hello masochist!

I rest my case. Well, happy trails.

The pretty stick, and other self critical anomalies...

So the other day I turned to my friend Kaitlyn and I told her, "Someone hit you with the pretty stick."

This is one of my favorite phrases.

I have adopted this phrase, and many others, from my favorite TV show Gilmore Girls. Though later I found myself considering this phrase, with much more curiosity than it probably warrants.

"Someone hit you with the pretty stick." It is a somewhat unconventional way to give the basic compliment, "You look super cute today!" However, wording it this way sparked some interesting thoughts. We've all heard or read articles, news reports, books, et cetera about the plethora of self image issues that young people - girls in particular - face these days. I do not want to repeat their overly-expressed and exposed thoughts, but offer some of my own.

Girls these days are straight up insane. It would be exhausting and fruitless to attempt to deny this fact. Granted, I usually take approximately 20 minutes tops in the morning to get ready for school. (My estranged relationship with sleep doesn't exactly make me a morning person, so I sleep as late as absolutely possible on school mornings. This usually involves me rolling out of bed at 7:10ish, when I have to leave for school by 7:30 at the very latest.) But I have taken upwards of an hour to get ready to go out sometimes. I have close friends who take nearly 2 hours to get ready for school every morning.

And it's ridiculous. Why the freaking hell do we do this??? Today, since we had exams, I wanted to dress comfortably. I wore baggy sweatpants, a flannel shirt, moccasins, and almost no makeup. It was great. It was cold, and my sweatpants and flannel kept me warm. I had to sit for hours at a time, and I had no tags, seams, or tight jeans digging into my hips the whole time. Why don't I dress that way everyday? Oh yea, I guess because society expects a higher standard of fashion than that.

Some how I feel that because I am talking about self image issues, and because I am a dancer, that I'm almost legally required to relate the two. Luckily, my train of thought as I pondered this, traveled in that very direction.

Because I am a dancer, I have been taught to analyze the way my body looks from a very young age. I am not just talking about how skinny we are, or are not - though unfortunately that seems to be a big part of it. I am mostly talking about technique, and other factors that are so totally not within my control.

I have spent a large chunk of my life in front of  giant freaking mirrors, wearing skin-tight leotards and tights, literally being judged the whole time. Striving in vain for perfection. I am relatively in shape and I am very aware that I am thin, and that I have good technique. But when you are standing in a line of girls all wearing the same skin-tight leotards and tights, you automatically notice those stupid little things. The fact that the girl next to you is the tiniest bit skinnier, prettier, a couple inches shorter, more tan than you, and her feet don't sickle slightly en pointe the way yours do.

In the world of reality, maybe none of these things matter to you, but in the moment, it seems so incredibly important that your arabesque is significantly lower than 'little miss perfect's'. Frankly, 'little miss perfect' is probably standing next to you wishing that she was a couple of inches taller, like you, and that she could whip out triple pirouettes the way you can.

Even outside of the world of dance, we essentially beat ourselves up to look pretty, skinnier, taller, shorter, tanner. Beating ourselves up with the pretty stick if you will.

I still love the term "someone hit you with the pretty stick", but using it may never seem the same to me.

I only have myself - and my over analytical mind - to blame.

Proficiency in Collegiate Level Strutting

Is still undecided about my involvement in the musical. I'm still not having fun. And I'm about ready to kill half of my friends. I swear to God. We're talking the end of Hamlet here. Dramatic, and ghosts may be involved.

But on to better things. Friday I had an audition for the Dance Major program at Shenandoah University in Winchester, Virginia. The day started with a student led tour of the campus, which was interesting. The campus is tiny, and very separate from the town. Which I'm not sure I like. But the audition went really well. The first part of the audition was an hour and a half class in ballet, an hour class in modern, and an hour class in jazz.

I was a little concerned about the ballet class because I haven't taken ballet in almost a year. Thankfully I've got fifteen years of solid ballet technique to fall back on. So after a slightly shaky barre warm-up, I had no trouble, with adagio and grande allegro. Modern wasn't really easy, but it was fun. Jazz was great! Not to self: Remember to someday thank Tori Stromp for having us "strut" in jazz all the time sophomore year. If there's one quick way to tell a well-rounded dancer from a limited one is to have them strut.

The last part of the audition was to perform a two to three minute dance solo. My solo wasn't perfect but it went well enough. Over all the entire audition went really well.

As soon as I got home Saturday evening the awesomeness kept up. I walked in the door and had an acceptance letter from the University of Akron waiting for me.

So yea, basically this weekend kicked ass.

Pessimism and strategically placed song lyrics

Today is technically Sunday. Some might say that it is still Saturday because I have not yet slept. But technically it is about two in the morning, Sunday January 16, 2011.

This means that technically Monday is tomorrow. In that case, tomorrow is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. No school. Except that I have to be at the school from like 9:00 in the morning till late afternoon. Stupid effing choreography day for Footloose. Every single freaking year.

Cut loose. I was so excited to do Footloose for my senior year spring musical.


Footloose. While I was not super pleased at first, I am now actually quite happy with the part I have (Urleen).


Kick off your Sunday shoes. But every time I am at rehearsals, I can't help being in a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mood.

Please. And it doesn't help that everyone else in the show is so goddamn chipper all the freaking time.

Louise. And they keep telling me to stop being pissed off.


Pull me off-a  my knees. If there's one thing that will certainly piss me off more than anything else, it's someone telling me to stop being pissed.

Jack. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE AND LET ME JUST BE PISSED!


Get back. I have a bit of a bad temper.

Come on before we crack. Add that to the list with my sarcasm, my snark, my impatience, and my honest pessimism.

Lose your blues. I'm not sure if I can handle being in this show.

Everybody cut footloose.

 I don't want to lose my friends over this stupid thing. We've been so at odds lately that I feel like I'm walking a tightrope. I have to watch everything I say. I have some serious issues with our assistant director. He is new, and fresh out of college (? or at least he acts that way), and try as I might I just can't seem to summon up the respect for him that everyone else has. I shared this opinion with several of my closest friends and they reacted as if I had walked up to them and said, "I hate Jesus." 

 I don't hate Jesus. Just for the record.

 I know I'm not the only one with concerns. This whole musical just seems to have a really negative vibe about it. We'll see what happens though I guess. My senioritis might just be getting the best of me. I doubt it though. I've learned to trust my vibes. The vibes I get about people when I meet them basically tell me if I can trust them or not. Sometimes it changes with time. Not usually. So like I said, we'll see. 

Happy trails. 

And the award for inconsistency goes to..........Shut up, we all know it's me.

I think I have changed my mind. It just........happened.

Two significant things have happened in my life in the past few days, though I'm only willing to discuss one of them. The other is just too damn depressing.

Visions went to the Marysville Showcase on Saturday. This competition has a bad habit of sucking really badly. It didn't let us down this year either. Our performance effing ROCKED! We killed it so hard that we should have been freaking arrested for murder. And we still got 2nd place (small mixed division). We were 10 points behind the choir that got 1st in our division. And finals was completely bombarded by large division and women's groups. Finals consisted of the top 6 scores overall. Guess who had the 7th best score? That's right, Visions. Oh well. Life goes on right?

There are currently 4 people who know about the other significant thing that happened in my life, just yesterday. I plan on raising that number to no more than 8 people. Here's a hint, if I have never shared shoes with you, or I have never taken a dance class with you, then you aren't in the club. Sorry. Okay, just kidding, I'm not really sorry. But I am somewhat pissed. And slightly irked.

On to the changing of mind. I don't know if I want to major in musical theatre. I think I might want to major in dance. I was slightly afraid this would happen. It did. My parents don't even know about this decision yet. If you weren't in the other limited-information club, take comfort in knowing that I am currently, quite possibly unwisely, spilling my guts about this new-found realization. You are the first to know.

Who am I kidding. I am aware of 3 people who have ever read this blog, yet I type as if I'm speaking to the masses. Wishful thinking. Everyone would like to think that someone in the world gives a flying shit about their life, and their opinions, and their thoughts, and their aspirations. In the depths of my soul I feel as though I am bound for greatness, and held back by the mediocrity, and settling-for-average lives and events around me.

This is why I started this blog. That last sentence of that last paragraph? Yeah, I typed it, then deleted it, then re-typed it, then deleted it, before re-re-typing it and forcing myself to move on. I just don't share crap like that with people. I'm loud, and obnoxious, and I talk way too much without thinking first. People like that (like me) always seem like they show the world everything about them, because they make it seem like they don't feel a need to hide anything. Or at least that's my impression of other people like me. If it even made sense. But I have a limit. Three people know everything about me. If you think you're one of them, then you're not. If you know you're one of them, then you know who the other two are too.

This whole blogging thing is supposed to be about "self-growth" as cheesy as that sounds. I'm actually trying to improve my life by not keeping as much bottled up. Maybe it'll make me less sarcastic. Not likely. Maybe it's just a way for me to not resort to punching a goddamned wall. More likely.

I didn't really expect this post about mind-changing and show choir competitions to morph into a self-analytical rant. Whatever. Apathy seems to be working right now, so I'm just going with it.

Let's all drink a toast to Apathy. Or don't. Whatever.

I just hope my parents don't kill me when I tell them I've changed my mind.

From now until June

So it's a new year. Thought I'd point it out in case you didn't already know. The first half of every year is always the busiest time for me. While I don't necessarily enjoy being busy, I do enjoy the things that cause the busyness, so it's worth it I guess.

What really got me thinking about it was the musical read-thru yesterday. I'm starting rehearsals for my senior year musical (Footloose, for anyone out of the loop) and I know it's gonna be hectic. However, I also know that it's going to be epic amounts of fun. The dance section that we learned for auditions was decently challenging. We only had about twenty minutes to learn it, and if we had been given more time I think it wouldn't have been too difficult. But such is the way of auditions and it even gave me a bit of trouble here and there. After auditions I talked to Tony - our choreographer - and he told me that the real choreography is going to be even more challenging!! I'm so excited! It's been really awesome that in the last few years our theatre department's choreography has gotten so much better. Most of it's thanks to Tony. It brought me to the conclusion that if you give someone simple choreography, under the impression that they can't handle anything harder, then they'll never have to try to be a good dancer. 

The same goes for our show choir. Looking back on videos from my freshman year, our dancing was so simple. Now we are doing choreography on par with most high-division show choirs, and I'm so proud to be Dance Captain. Now we tend to hold our own and made finals last year. Our first competition is this Saturday and I'm sooooo excited! I think we still need to work on our all-guy and all-girl songs - Billy Jean by Michael Jackson and Mercy by Duffy respectively - but we'll get'em there! I can't wait to premiere our new closer either! For this competition we're still doing Opposites Attract by Paula Abdul, which is our old closer. But hopefully for our next competition our new one will be ready!

 At the same time I'm going to be preparing for Dublin Dance Centre's June recital, AND Performing Arts Dance Center's June recital, which is gonna be something new to deal with. I'm also gonna be working on the May show for Tap Co. which I'm super excited about (tap dancing on tables?!?!?) I'm only taking three dance classes this year. That's the smallest number of classes I've taken since first grade. No joke. After FINALLY quitting ballet, and modern and almost everything at DDC except for Tap Co. I'm only taking that one class there every week. Thanks to my bestie Amber, though, I'm taking lyrical and jazz at PADC. I can actually have a life!!! Lol! I have this new crazy concept called "free-time".

Happy Wednesday all!

This is, apparently, the beginning.

I hate January. Quite frankly I hate all of winter. The cold, the snow, the ice......the auditions.

I don't do well when I'm very stressed. My insomniac-like habits get so out of control that I sometimes can't sleep for up to 48 hours. There is nothing that will stress me out more than auditions. I am so freaked out right now.

In past years, January meant stressing about dance intensive auditions. But now all of that seems so simple and tame in comparison for what I'm up against now. This is a much bigger deal! If I don't do well in my auditions this year, it's not just a summer that's screwed over, it's my whole career. I want to be in musical theatre so badly but my stress and fear of not getting into a program is clouding my ability to see logic. All of a sudden I'm positive that my acting sucks, or I can't actually sing. I start wondering if my friends and family have been merely placating me all these years, because they don't want to hurt my feelings. I start feeling like I don't have a chance in hell. The whole feeling is very clearly summarized in the song Die Vampire Die from the musical [Title Of Show]: 

"The last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair.
It’ll wake you up at 4am to say things like:
Who do you think you’re kidding?
You look like a fool.
No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be good enough
Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform
and said these things, I’d think he was a mentally ill asshole,
but if the vampire inside my head says it,
It’s the voice of reason?"

Right now I'm just hoping that I can learn my two monologues and perfect my three songs, while still being able to keep my school work in check, deal with Visions rehearsals and competitions, and start learning my lines for the musical. I'm really glad I only have to do two auditions for the four schools I applied to.

Hopefully this January doesn't kill me, because otherwise this will be one seriously short blog.

Happy 2011.