I hate January. Quite frankly I hate all of winter. The cold, the snow, the ice......the auditions.
I don't do well when I'm very stressed. My insomniac-like habits get so out of control that I sometimes can't sleep for up to 48 hours. There is nothing that will stress me out more than auditions. I am so freaked out right now.
In past years, January meant stressing about dance intensive auditions. But now all of that seems so simple and tame in comparison for what I'm up against now. This is a much bigger deal! If I don't do well in my auditions this year, it's not just a summer that's screwed over, it's my whole career. I want to be in musical theatre so badly but my stress and fear of not getting into a program is clouding my ability to see logic. All of a sudden I'm positive that my acting sucks, or I can't actually sing. I start wondering if my friends and family have been merely placating me all these years, because they don't want to hurt my feelings. I start feeling like I don't have a chance in hell. The whole feeling is very clearly summarized in the song Die Vampire Die from the musical [Title Of Show]:
"The last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair.
It’ll wake you up at 4am to say things like:
Who do you think you’re kidding?
You look like a fool.
No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be good enough
Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform
and said these things, I’d think he was a mentally ill asshole,
but if the vampire inside my head says it,
It’s the voice of reason?"
Right now I'm just hoping that I can learn my two monologues and perfect my three songs, while still being able to keep my school work in check, deal with Visions rehearsals and competitions, and start learning my lines for the musical. I'm really glad I only have to do two auditions for the four schools I applied to.
Hopefully this January doesn't kill me, because otherwise this will be one seriously short blog.
Happy 2011.
My darling sister: I know you are NEVER melodramatic, but try not to think about college auditions in terms of your entire career. College auditions are just the first step in your career, and IF you don't get into an MT program you want right away, that's not going to be a major road block. People become MTs during their freshman, sophomore, or even junior year all the time at B-W. It might not be a terrible thing to have a few months or a year of college under your belt before you enter a super-intense program.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, you ARE extremely talented, as well as determined, and you will succeed in whatever you want to do. Just keep singing the chorus of "Die, Vampire, Die." You have lots of experience with auditions, and I know you were a little bummed out by the ones for Footloose, but generally you audition very well. Hang in there, babe. :)
This is so theatre-friendly.... I love it :) (New obsession!!)
ReplyDelete-Kate Coley
DDC&G Ensemble
PS: I hope January doesn't kill you because you'd miss out on all the amazing shows and other fun stuff you are going to do in college. :D
PPS: http://www.explosm.net/
http://mylifeisaverage.com/
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enjoy!