Where are the effing balloon animals!

I am terrified of clowns.

The curious part about this is that I was not afraid of clowns when I was younger, as with most coulrophobics (people who suffer from a fear of clowns).

When I was little my family was actually fairly close with a woman who worked as a clown. Her name was Jeanie and when she was working one of our birthday parties or making us balloon animals at Wendy's she had pink hair. I remember once seeing a picture of her dressed normally and I was shocked to discover that her real hair was brown. My sense of logic and reality was somewhat skewed at the time, due to the fact that I was probably about three years old. I remember the first time I encountered someone who was afraid of clowns. There was another little girl at Wendy's with her mother, and her mother came up and requested a balloon animal for her daughter, explaining that her daughter was a little scared by clowns. It had never occurred to me before that being scared of clowns was even an option. Spiders? Yes. The dark? Of course. Nick Nolte's mugshot? A given. But clowns??? Why?

Now, as I got older - I don't even know how it evolved really but - I started to realize that the sight of clowns made me uneasy, jumpy, and downright terrified. These days it's quite easy for me to answer the - at the time - rhetorical question I asked above. To jog your memories, if you're too lazy to scroll up four lines, "...But clowns??? Why?". These days clowns are creepy, evil, murderous, and Juggalos.

The last of which is beyond terrifying. The lack of class and etiquette possessed by this group of semi-musical miscreants astounds me. Juggalos and Juggalettes - yes, that really is what they call themselves - are the cult-like followers of the Insane Clown Posse. ICP is composed of Detroit natives Joseph Bruce and Joseph Utsler who perform with the names "Violent J" and "Shaggy 2 Dope". They wear black and white clown-like face paint and perform a fairly violent and scary brand of hip hop dubbed "horrorcore". ICP is signed, appropriately so, under Psychopathic Records. They are also, for some stupid reason, known for drinking Faygo soda (I know, WTF?).

Classy. Bunch. Of. People.

To give further example of ICP's exorbitant ability to epically fail, I will turn to their "music". Most of their "horrorcore" lyrics are just blatantly violent and uncreative:

"My axe is my buddy, I bring him when I walk
me and my axe will leave your head outlined in chalk
My axe is my buddy, he always makes me laugh
me and my axe cut bigot spinal chords in half"
(An excerpt from the ICP winner of a song called My Axe)

I would first like to point out the grammatical errors in the second and fourth lines of that section. It should be, "my axe and I". Also, the personification of a deadly weapon is downright frightening. Also, also, those lyrics show no actual ability to sustain creative thought.

Sometimes Juggalos will try to justify the "deepness" of the "message" in ICP's song Miracles. An example of this "deepness"? :

"I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco bay
It tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away"

That's deep man. Really effing deep.

I noticed that in this post I have used an abnormal number of quotations marks. I am aware. Don't judge. If you want to judge, get your own blog. (No, really! I highly recommend it! Blogging is great!)

Just a few days ago my best friend's band played a sort of "battle of the bands" kind of show in Columbus, where a group of Juggalos was also performing. Apparently at some point during the evening, a fight broke out between the Juggalos and  the metal fans. I don't think anyone was seriously injured but gunshots were heard. Like I said, classy people.

Most of the people who read my blog are probably aware of my impatience for ignorant, uncultured people. Thus my distaste for the entire "culture" of Juggaloism. They are a prime example of trashy people at their finest.

Worst of all? They don't even have the decency to make balloon animals.