It's always pretty until it hits the ground....

Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?

Now I don't mean this as a literal question. In fact, it is a lyric from the song Glitter in the Air by Pink/Alecia Moore.

I have a lot of respect for classy people, and in my opinion Alecia Moore is a classy chick. There are several of her songs that mean quite a bit to me and I hope to potentially dissect them and their significance in future posts. For now though: Glitter in the Air.

This song in general seems to me like a desperate call to others to feel reassured about insecurities. The song asks a myriad of questions, three per verse to be exact. The first always feels like an admission of some kind of guilt. Begging someone else to speak up and say that they can relate. The second and third questions feel almost like an attempt to justify the first question. An example?

"Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said 'I just don't care'?"

The first line is perhaps not literal (Holy crap! I actually learned to analyze things in sophomore english. However, I will try my hardest to not beat the dead horse of over-analyzation like the semi-crazed teacher I had that year did. Because of her, "Lord of the Flies" will - to me - forever be interchangeable with vile curse words.) and perhaps is more of an admission of devotion. Being willing to do anything for the person you love, or have some kind of crazy crush on. The second and third questions seem like they are comparing the first to doing something reckless. In the moment. Throwing a fistful of glitter in the air would be gorgeous for seconds as it caught the light and shimmered to the ground. But then you gotta clean it up. And glitter is a pain in the ass to get off of anything (exhibit A: the carpet of our basement where I do all my painting and my glittering of cards, presents, and projects). Looking fear in the face would certainly be reckless. Telling it that you don't care, even more so. Washing your hands of the "responsibility" of keeping up with criticism and judgment. In doing such a thing you would be opening yourself up to even more criticism and judgment, but the noble part is having the bravery to not give a damn.

There are a few lines of this song that resonate with me especially.

"Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone"

Quite a few times I have found myself checking my phone every few minutes to see if a certain person had texted me back yet. I wind up thinking that I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, take it out, check it, sigh in disappointment, and return it to my pocket. At first it just seems like I'm just overcome by some irrational teenaged crush symptoms. But beneath it I guess I'm thinking that if I get that text back then it means that someone out there is capable of caring about me. In short, proving that I'm not alone. It's not logical to think like this, but I think it's almost subconscious. I know that many people in the world care about me, but for some reason, this text, from this person, makes it all true.

"Have you ever wished for an endless night?"

Every single effing night of my life. Nighttime is safe for me. I'm not talking about the entire time the sun is down, mostly just between 1am and 6am. That's when I essentially have the house to myself. When I can get things done. When I don't have to talk to anyone, or share my thoughts, or pretend I give a flying shit about anything. If I had the power to stop time, I wouldn't just stop time anywhere in the day. I would stop time at night, and forever have control over everything in my life. My life would be all mine, and I wouldn't have to live for other people like I do during the day. Granted, night isn't all safe because I am fairly afraid of the dark (which, nighttime usually tends to have an abundance of), but at night I can handle my fears without the pressure of other people. I wouldn't feel the need to shut down when I'm upset like I do now. When I'm upset in public, I stop talking, cross my arms, and pray that time will go faster so I can get away from everyone. When I'm upset and I'm by myself, I can cry, I can shout curses at the world. And above everything else, I can go into the dance studio downstairs, turn my music up obscenely loud, and dance, and dance, and dance until I feel better. An endless night would be all mine.

Have I ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air? I think so. But depending on where you're standing, you're never seeing the same sparkle as someone else.