* Disclaimer: I usually don't curse in my blog. And when I do, I usually stick to the ones that the Tonight Show wouldn't have to bleep out. But this post is especially personal, so I'm not censoring any of my honest thoughts. And sometimes my honest thoughts would have to be bleeped out on the Tonight Show.
There are times:
When I feel fat.
And then I think "You shouldn't feel that way. You're not."
But then I look at the dancer next to me and I think, "God. I look like a fucking Snorlax compared to her."
And then I think "But I'm really muscular. That's all it is."
But then I look at myself in the mirror, "Then why the hell can't I get my developés higher!?"
And then I think "My friends would KILL me if they knew I honestly thought I was fat."
So I'm never allowed to say it.
Even though I think it.
It's not fair.
It's especially taboo because I'm a dancer.
Which apparently makes me "automatically skinny and in shape."
Which is bullshit.
When I feel like I could help if you'd only let me.
And then I remember that you won't, because you're too fucking stubborn.
It gets better if you let it.
But you won't let it.
Bastard.
When I hate you.
For not shutting the fuck up already.
For being so shallow.
For asking me stupid questions.
For calling yourself fat, because it reminds me how insecure I am.
For straightening your hair. It makes you look like a douchebag. Which you are.
For being so far away.
For being so much like me.
For taking your life for granted.
For not letting go of the past.
When I hate myself.
For letting you get to me.
For not having perfect pirouettes.
For having fucked up knees.
For being this far away.
For my reflection.
For when I can't take a joke. Which happens a lot.
For not letting go of the past.
For being a hypocrite.
For being shy.
For tricking so many people into believing I'm not shy at all.
For being terrified of getting injured again.
For quitting gymnastics.
For quitting violin lessons.
For quitting piano lessons.
For feeling I'm fat.
For apologizing for feeling fat.
For not making changes sooner.
For this blog post.
When I want to cry.
But I can't.
Because I learned to fight back tears so well.
When I'm terrified.
That people will ignore me.
That I'm not special.
That I'm not pretty.
That people will give me "that look" when they find out how much I love Harry Potter.
-Or Doctor Who.
-Or Star Wars.
-Or Disney Princesses.
-Or dinosaurs.
That I'm not a good enough dancer.
That I don't work hard enough.
